If you want to know more about Mom's last months, weeks and days, you can read those stories on the newest page called Remembering Nanama.
Missing Mom
April 5, 2020
I didn’t know how sick a person could get without germs. Last week Jonah ate a bunch of cookies for breakfast and threw up. I have always heard people say that eating too many sweets can make your stomach upset, but every time my kids have thrown up, they’ve also been out in public. Jonah felt better afterwards and did all his schooling for the day. Xenia has had stomach aches off and on. She’s not running a fever so it’s not an infection. It could be a food allergy, anxiety, lack of sleep or any number of things, but not a virus.
I used to look with distrust on my fellow Texans who would blow their nose and say, “It’s only allergies.” It’s been weeks since we have left the house. We don’t have colds, but sure enough the plants are blooming, and my nose is running. The postnasal drip is giving me a light cough.
Yesterday I stayed in bed until noon. The heaviness of grief weighed upon me. It felt like the fatigue and achiness of a flu. Any other time I would have checked my temperature and claimed I was sick, but everyone knew better. It’s days until the anniversary of Mom’s death. With the help of Esther’s boyfriend Joshua who is a videographer, there will be a memorial video made. I gave him the Syra’s Scribbles written in the weeks leading up to her death to give him an idea of the story to be shared and sifted through all the photos to give him material to work with. They are now posted on a new page of my blog. It dredged up all the feelings that have faded over the past twelve months.
The only thoughts of mom these past weeks have been gratitude that she’s no here to see the epidemic. She had to go to dialysis and was at the hospital in crisis at least once a month. How scary that scenario would be these days. The children miss her more than ever. She had a way of making a safe place for everyone. The kids wander through the house wishing they could go to Nanama’s room or sit and have tea with her. They want a refuge from their siblings that only Nanama could provide.
The pictures brought Mom’s life and death before me in fresh vividness. I reached out to the monastery to ask about visiting her grave. People are dying and being buried and there are restrictions for how many people can be on the property at once. The grieving families saying their last good-byes take precedence over those remembering the anniversaries of their loved one’s death. The nuns will say a service for her on her day. I’ll stay home in isolation and light a candle.
Today during our home church Litia service I felt Mom’s presence and was comforted. Each Sunday I print out the readers service for that week in Lent and go over any music that is available. What I can’t lead in singing, we read. Today Mike read the life of St. Mary of Egypt from the Prologue of Orhid to us afterwards. It’s not the same as a Divine Liturgy at church but it’s a real way to worship. We have our icons and incense and our voices lifted up in prayer. I think Mom would approve.
Lord have mercy.
I miss my mom.
Missing Mom
April 5, 2020
I didn’t know how sick a person could get without germs. Last week Jonah ate a bunch of cookies for breakfast and threw up. I have always heard people say that eating too many sweets can make your stomach upset, but every time my kids have thrown up, they’ve also been out in public. Jonah felt better afterwards and did all his schooling for the day. Xenia has had stomach aches off and on. She’s not running a fever so it’s not an infection. It could be a food allergy, anxiety, lack of sleep or any number of things, but not a virus.
I used to look with distrust on my fellow Texans who would blow their nose and say, “It’s only allergies.” It’s been weeks since we have left the house. We don’t have colds, but sure enough the plants are blooming, and my nose is running. The postnasal drip is giving me a light cough.
Yesterday I stayed in bed until noon. The heaviness of grief weighed upon me. It felt like the fatigue and achiness of a flu. Any other time I would have checked my temperature and claimed I was sick, but everyone knew better. It’s days until the anniversary of Mom’s death. With the help of Esther’s boyfriend Joshua who is a videographer, there will be a memorial video made. I gave him the Syra’s Scribbles written in the weeks leading up to her death to give him an idea of the story to be shared and sifted through all the photos to give him material to work with. They are now posted on a new page of my blog. It dredged up all the feelings that have faded over the past twelve months.
The only thoughts of mom these past weeks have been gratitude that she’s no here to see the epidemic. She had to go to dialysis and was at the hospital in crisis at least once a month. How scary that scenario would be these days. The children miss her more than ever. She had a way of making a safe place for everyone. The kids wander through the house wishing they could go to Nanama’s room or sit and have tea with her. They want a refuge from their siblings that only Nanama could provide.
The pictures brought Mom’s life and death before me in fresh vividness. I reached out to the monastery to ask about visiting her grave. People are dying and being buried and there are restrictions for how many people can be on the property at once. The grieving families saying their last good-byes take precedence over those remembering the anniversaries of their loved one’s death. The nuns will say a service for her on her day. I’ll stay home in isolation and light a candle.
Today during our home church Litia service I felt Mom’s presence and was comforted. Each Sunday I print out the readers service for that week in Lent and go over any music that is available. What I can’t lead in singing, we read. Today Mike read the life of St. Mary of Egypt from the Prologue of Orhid to us afterwards. It’s not the same as a Divine Liturgy at church but it’s a real way to worship. We have our icons and incense and our voices lifted up in prayer. I think Mom would approve.
Lord have mercy.
I miss my mom.